seeing thru her fears

This week, I recalled a move I took 7 yrs ago. It was a move that I have carefully planned for, thought of, with much trepidation but yet with excitement and knowing a chance to break into my wings of freedom, all over again. The move was buying my first home with hub, and moving out from his parents place after living there for close to a year. It was a great sense of relief for me personally, to have my own space all over again, to feel free in my own home again, to sleep in as I wish, to come and go as I wish...I have lived my life as an overseas student since I was 16yo, and pretty much living away from home since then. Adjusting to a married life and living with in laws came as a big shock to me. Suddenly the freedom I have had with me since a teenager was gone...it was pretty tough. Tough it may have been, but a situation soon I learned to accept and adjust to. But during those time, I carefully plan for a new home, working out the ins and outs of it, steps to take until hub and I were ready to put down out 1st deposit.

Needless to say, the months leading up to the move was long and hard. My MIL had great difficulty in accepting it and I almost became the bad person for the decision. I fought hard, standing firm on my decision silently, tears flowing in my heart most days, words cutting through like glass, but not to give in on the decision I have made. I knew it was for the better, and 7 yrs later, I knew my decision was right!

The reason I have recalled the painful experience was seeing my BIL and his wife going through the situation this week. Being there in the same situation before, hub and I have always given the advise of them making the move earlier on in their marriage. Almost 2 yrs on, they have had enough, and the move is inevitable.

I see two sides of the coin this time. I am happy for my BIL, to finally see him setting foot on a new journey, setting up a new home and anxiously waiting for the arrrival of their new bub in the not too distant future. New home, new baby, a new family life, parenthood...wow, what a wonderful and exciting journey ahead.

On other side, I feel sad for my MIL. Over the years, life has had its ups and downs. Sadly, she lost her husband to illness almost 3 yrs ago. It was hard seeing someone losing their life partner, her only friend and soulmate. Her life has always focus focused around him. Losing him was the biggest loss of her life. His passing has left a deep wound in her heart. Probably a wound that would never heal or that never wanted to be healed. She felt lost without him. And the loss was inconsolable, inreplaceable but inevitable. Somehow, I felt her true inner self has gone since his passing.

Since then, she pushes away love and warmth that came her way from people around her. No one's love and concerns can ever replace the love of her late husband. And to that, it's true. But I know she can open up her heart to the love of her children. The window to her heart gets narrow and narrower each day, and she felt no love.

Today, as I spoke to her, I sensed the aches, the fear of her living alone for the first time in her life! Being 60, and never being alone, that fear can be compounded. Fear transcends into anger at times, and sadly that's the way my MIL has been since the passing of her husband and more so now than before. I guess, it is a harsh reality for her to accept and I emphatize with that.

It is a change, and changes are hard. But we will all grow as a person. From dependent to being independent. It is a lot of learning to do for her. But the journey ahead will be better for everyone. But before it gets better, we need to embrace the change with an open heart and trust ourselves that we will come out a better and stronger person.

I have. And I know she will. And they will too. Just give it time. But I hope the time will not come too late.